Top Ten Reasons
Life in Aperans Will Be Better Once Dirk Takes Over
Listen up, you listian rabble. Geoffrey and I have a bit of a contest to
announce. More precisely, I have a contest to announce; regrettably, Geoffrey is
somewhat indisposed at the moment due to the aftereffects of a pigeon attack.
Mistaken identity is such a tragic thing.
At any rate, despite the obvious futility of resistance, it appears as though
the majority of Aperans is still not at all kindly disposed to the notion of a
Karteian takeover. Those of my Karteian advisors whom I have not already
executed have lately informed me that political campaigns may be more effective
when propaganda is combined with warfare; basically, capturing hearts and minds
in a metaphorical sense as opposed to literally ripping them out. Although the
latter technique is much more fun. . .
This would be where all of you have a unique opportunity to do your part for
the Karteian cause. I command each of you to compose a top-ten list of reasons
why life in Aperans will be better after I am the sole and undisputed tyra-- I
mean, benevolent ruler of all Aperans. You have the space of two weeks in which
to perform this task. The winner will receive a date and a kiss in return for
her pains. I will, of course, recruit Bethel should a male listian take the
You have your orders. If you value your own hearts and minds, I would advise
that you begin writing.
Prince Dirk Blackpool
Ten ways things would be better under Dirk's rule?! What a concept. I have to
respond to such a daunting intellectual challenge.
10. No more difficult choices, as that pesky "free will" will be eliminated.
9. Black leather becomes the height of fashion
8. Dirk will never lie about having an affair with a castle intern
7. As absolute ruler, will be able to have as many wives as he wants, giving
hope to ladies everywhere
6. Public executions will provide free entertainment to the populace on an
5. No more overpopulation (see #6)
4. Second in command will be Geoffrey - a man twice as smart as certain vice
3. Bethel makes better female role model then Hillary
2. After taking over, Dirk will have no more need of Vector and will finally
eliminate that evil, hatless menace
and the number one reason why things would be better under Dirk's rule
1. A tadmon in every pot!
As I am ever loyal to my liege-lord Prince Blackpool, here is my entry into
the Top Ten Contest.
10. Lighting Hawk - National bird as well as delicious snack treat.
9. Poverty eliminated. (For everyone of consequence, that is.)
8. No more pesky five day waiting period to buy Zeecon.
7. Ugly hats - never had 'em, never will!
6. Right to swift and speedy execution ensured by elimination of bothersome
5. Read my lips: No new taxes. The old rate of 110% will suffice for the
4. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Opportunities at The Mines, inquire below. No,
deeper...deeper still...whoops! Too deep.
3. Two words: cheese futures.
2. Incoherent rantings of the "hero" formerly know as Prince Erik will be
difficult to make out from dungeons of Castle Blackpool.
And the number one reason why life in Aperans will be better under Karteian
1. Chicks dig Karteians
10. Who wants health care, social security, or welfare when you can have free
government-sponsored spider extermination?
9. Certain to keep at least one out of his three major campaign promises
(killing Erik, returning the monocle and marrying Bethel) -- which is *still* a
better record than most politicians.
8. Bound to mellow out after Margaret and Lucille introduce him to their
concept of "fun."
7. Geoffrey's cheese fetish actually *less* embarrassing than the hobbies of
most presidential siblings (Billy Carter's beer, Roger Clinton's band . . . ).
6. Millie the dog and Socks the cat can't hold a candle to . . . Larry the
Lightning Hawk! (That one's for you, Vector).
5. Ho-hum Aperanian Olympic Games replaced by thrilling Extreme Barkin
tournaments -- steroids and cheating allowed.
4. Dirk's concept of "family values" much easier to live up to than the
Republican party's version.
3. Shiny sleeveless leather shirt and sultry voice will make those boring
"state of the union" addresses absolutely riveting.
2. You thought "I like Ike" was catchy? Try "Don't irk Dirk!"
And finally, the number one reason why life in Aperans will be better after
Dirk takes over . . .
1. No matter how many symbols of office Dirk employs, not one of them will
resemble a shovel with a handprint. (Thanks, Laren!)
The Wizard Vector
Top 10 Reasons Life in Aperans Will Be Better, FOR VECTOR, Once Dirk Takes
10. I'll finally get some respect.
9. No one will make references to my wearing a hat anymore.
8. I'll get my monocle back. (Dirk gave me his word who could doubt?)
7. Slaves, Slaves, Slaves
6. I'll be able to GLOAT to my hearts content.
5. Somebody else can make Geoffrey those damnable cheese sandwiches!
4. Lightning Hawks would become the National bird.
3. I *might* even get a chance to date one of the Winslow sisters.
2. Total victory is never having to say you're sorry.
And finally, The Number One Reason Life in Aperans Will Be Better, For
Vector, Once Dirk Takes Over Is:
1. For once, the bad guys would win!
10. All of Aperans will be miserable equally
9. Dirk will have enough power to turn Vector into a painting...there bye, he
will be a Vector Graphic...(ooh I'm so bad)
8. Dirk will be able to take away anyone's birthday
7. Torturing will become national sport. There will be franchises like the
WWF, only the World Wide Torturer's Federation...WWTF
6. Dirk will issue a set of Trading Cards...Evil doers of Aperans and
EVERYBODY will collect them.
5. Everyone will have to carry Heath & Life insurance.
4. All Doctors and Lawyers will be executed
3. Mandatory schools
2. All 4th grade teachers and higher will be executed
1. All the Winslows will have to kiss their assets 'Bye, Bye!'
I must be slipping back into my old feelings -- and some of these reasons may
look and sound familiar.
Top Ten Reasons Aperans would be better off with Dirk as Tyr. . . I mean, King.
10. "He's evil, but he's not evil looking."
9. Erik would go insane trying to rescue everybody.
8. Extermination of . . . . Spiders.
7. In fact, extermination of all enemies.
6. The effectiveness of the phrase, "If he dies -- so do you."
5. Nice, soft hair.
4. Piercing Eyes.
2. All those muscles.
And the number one reason why Aperans would be better with Dirk as Tyr. . .
Oops, I can't believe I did it again, King.
1. BOOTS, CHAINS, AND THOSE SHINY BLACK SHIRTS WITH ALL THOSE LEATHER
10: The locals would have reason to storm the castle!
(See "Frankenstein" 1931, Colin Clive, Boris Karloff)
9: Instead of killing them Dirk would show benevolence and set up Eric, the
King, and the Princess in their own business in some secluded corner of the
(See "Comedy of Terrors" 1961, Boris Karloff, Basil Rathbone, Vincent Prive and
8: Eric would have to take up a new career. He becomes a carriage driver for
(See, "The Roaring Twenties" 1939, James Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, or see TV
listings for "TAXI")
7. Vector would get fed up with Dirk's abuse and insults and brings a
disaster to the land, leveling everything in sight and making Dirk the King of
(See "Twister" 1996, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton-Also see "Earthquake", "Dante's
Peak", and "Volcano")
6. The princess could go back to school and get an education!
(See "Clueless" 1995, Alicia Silverstone, Paul Rudd, Dan Hedeya)
5. Anna and Kiri would run the Wild Rose together. Their combined efforts
make the tavern a welcomed stop for weary travelers to stop and not only get a
warm meal, but be entertained as well.
(See "Bagdad Cafe" 1988,Jack Palance, Marianne Sagebrecht)
4. Dirk would try forming an alliance with Antione, but his efforts would be
met by Antione standing at the top of the palace walls, and hurling insults,
raspberries, and cattle.
(See "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 1974, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry
Gillian, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin.)
3. The citizens would tire of Dirk's abuse, don skirts, and wave their
posteriors at him!
(See "Braveheart", 1995, Mel Gibson, Sophie Marceu, Patrick McGoohan)
2. Marco would have to go into hiding as a monk. Who would think?
(See "The Adventures of Robin Hood" 1938, Errol Flynn, Basil Rathbone, Eugene
Pallatte, and Olivia D'Havilland)
and the number one reason for Dirk to become King...
1. Coulter would continue being an anonymous pain in the monocle to Dirk
through treachery, robbery, terrorism, and skullduggery!
(See "The Mark of Zorro" 1940, Basil Rathbone, Tyrone Power, Linda Darnell, and
I was gratified to see several top ten lists gracing my in-box over the last
two weeks. Rest assured that I have kept track of those who have contributed to
my contest, and those who have not, for the purpose of updating yet another list
-- my list of enemies.
Now, on to the winners. Ristil, your list does you credit. More importantly,
it does *me* credit. That observation about the Zeecon, especially, should gain
me the support of Zeecon dealers everywhere, as well as the coveted NZA vote
(National Zeecon Association). You know, the group with the motto: "Zeecon
doesn't kill people. We kill people." Well done, Countess. If only all who swore
fealty to me served me so well, perhaps I would not be forced to build such
frequent extensions to my dungeons.
However, Vector, I must confess that you astonish me with your show of
support. Unfortunately, the purpose of the exercise was not to focus upon *you*;
incredible as it may sound, I doubt the population of Camarand lies awake nights
fretting about your welfare. I sincerely doubt that my rushing into battle with
the war cry "Victory will make Vector happy!" will cause the armies of Greystone
to stop in their tracks and surrender. I rather suspect that it might have the
opposite effect, given your level of popularity in the South; last I checked,
your approval rating was slightly lower than mine. It was also lower than slime
monsters, Karnaj, and all four horsemen of the apocalypse, including Pestilence
and Famine. Nevertheless, such a display of loyalty to my cause should not go
Hence, as I am known throughout Karteia as a fair and just monarch, I propose
the following solution. Your lists are declared to be a tie. This Saturday
night, you, Ristil, and you, Vector, will date . . . each other. Solomon himself
could not make a wiser judgment, I believe. Although it's rather a pity there's
no cutting people in half involved in this scenario.
Prince Dirk Blackpool
WOW. A date with Vector...that's just...gosh...what can I say? I'm
Your Highness, you do me too much honor. Really. I mean it.
Unfortunately, there's a teeny little problem. I have already made plans for
this Saturday. There's this really big tournament happening up here, I mean
HUGE! Knights in shining armour, jousting, that kind of stuff. Can't be missed,
you know. Sorry about that.
So what I'd like to do is offer my place as Vector's date to the one who
truly deserves to go. You see, it was through her inspiration that I was able to
put my list together, and I feel quite guilty about taking all the credit. Many
of the items on my list were taken directly from comments I'm sure I must have
overheard in conversations with her.
So I would like to pass on my place as the winner of the Top Ten Contest and
Date of Vector to the one who gave me all my ideas, the one who truly deserves
all the credit: The Witch Bethel.
Congratulations Bethel! I'm sure you and Vector will have so much more to
talk about on your date than he and I would. What? Now how can you say that! Of
COURSE I would have said the same thing had the date been with His Highness as
originally stated. Please. I have a prior engagement that simply cannot be
broken, and you truly deserve all the credit.
Now go on and have a nice time with Vector, and don't be out too late. Make
sure he opens the carriage door for you, and offer to go halvies on the popcorn.
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