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Phone Home

by CJ

The following was inspired by a very funny post by Tonya Pino on the Vosloo (the loincloth clad actor in The Mummy) mailing list.

1982

Hi Mom, Dad. I got this great part today. I'll be playing a Confederate officer in a mini-series.

An officer? It must be a pivotal role.

Sure it is . . . well, sort of . . . actually, no, but I do get to wear a uniform and you know how women adore a man in uniform. I'd better go so I can perfect an authentic sounding Southern accent.

1983

Mom, Dad. You'll never believe this but I just got cast in a new TV series.

Does this mean we will see you for more than five minutes this time?

Oh yeah. In fact, I'm one of the leads. It's going to be great. I get to wear these really sexy costumes - all black leather with silver studs everywhere. I just know women are going to go weak in the knees when they see me.

So what is the character like?

Oh, I'm playing a prince. A quite sophisticated one -- once you get past the fact that he's a maniacal, crazy bastard whose only goal in life is to kill the good guys and get his jollies out of torturing people -- but he's very suave about it. I think this series will last at least five years.

1984

Hey Dad. Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be in another mini-series. This time it's about Pompeii. I'm going to be a gladiator who is in love with a blind slave girl who loves this Greek guy that I have to fight in the arena because he's accused of murdering the brother of the woman he loves.

Sounds . . . classy.

Oh, class all the way! They've even cast Ned Beatty as a Roman. The best part of all this is that I'll be wearing a loincloth most of the time, so women will be drooling all over themselves.

1985

It's me. Got another part today. I get to play the leader of some aliens that are trying to take over the earth and use humans as food animals.

Do you have to wear lots of makeup or a mask?

Some of the time. He looks sort of like a walking reptile, but wears a mask to appear human. My character is actually quite sexy when he's not a lizard or killing people. I think the women are gonna love me. After all, I look really good in black. It's too bad that my character gets killed off after just a few episodes.

1985 - a few months later

Mom! You'll never guess what role I've just been cast for. I'll be playing Errol Flynn. Can you believe it? The women are just going to fall all over themselves when they see me in all those poofy shirts. This could be my big break.

Playing a womanizing, drunken sex symbol will do wonders for your career.

1987

Hello folks. Wanted to let you know I got another part. Count Dracula this time.

Another black-clad villain? Does the word "typecasting" mean anything to you, son?

Well, yeah, but the really great thing is that chicks dig vampires. I'll talk to you later. I want to practice some more on my Transylvanian accent.

1988

Guess what? I'm going to be doing a pilot movie for Disney.

Not a black-clad villain, then?

No, so I guess it doesn't have much women-magnet potential...but if it gets picked up as a series, I'll get lots of exposure.

You already had more than enough exposure in that Pompeii thing, what with the loincloth.

Ha, ha. Very funny. Anyway, I think I'll try for a Brooklyn accent this time. Talk to you soon.

1988

I know I just spoke to you a few months ago, but I got another part. This time I'm going to be playing an Italian cabinetmaker.

Son, don't you think you should give up trying to do accents? You haven't been very successful at it so far.

Don't worry about it. I know I can pull this one off. Besides, women will just fall out of their chairs over my character. He's Italian, artistic, loves opera and is very romantic. Plus, at the end of the movie there's a scene of me wearing only a pair of black underwear. What woman could resist that?

1989

Hi mom and dad. I'm going to be doing another movie. This time I'll be a business executive that kills women in a South American ritual. Oh, and Jeff Conaway has been cast in it, too.

Is that the guy with the hair flip thing from that Wizards show?

Yeah, that's the one. I even get to kill his character in the movie.

That alone will make it worth watching. Dare we hope you won't be half-naked this time?

Um . . . a little more than half . . .

1989

Looks like my career is picking up. I've been cast to play Zorro for a cable TV series.

Please, God, not a Spanish accent.

Unfortunately, no, but I'll be sword fighting, riding horses, rescuing damsels in distress. Not to mention wearing black. Women will go wild.

1993

Hey Mom and Dad. Now that my stint with Zorro is over I've decided to do a few guest appearances. The part I just got is absolutely wonderful. I get to play this obnoxious, neurotic. . .

I thought you said you would be acting?

Mom!

Just kidding son. Finish telling us about the part.

As I was saying, I'll be a gentleman thief. There's even a spot where I'm singing Copacabana.

But you don't really sing that well.

So what? Women will forget about that when they see the shower scene.

1994

Hello folks. I got another part, this time on Star Trek. I'm a ghost who gives Dr. Crusher her jollies, though in the end she causes my death.

You get killed a lot in your roles, don't you?

Now that you mention it, I guess I do. In a lot of the scenes I'll be a green blob or a disembodied voice. It's kind of strange, but when I read the script it reminded me of an Anne Rice novel, and you know how much women love those.

1994

Hey Pops. Got a part in one of those movies of the week based on a romance novel. You know the kind -- tragedy strikes woman, meets guy who turns out to be a cad that dumps her, and then discovers that she loves the man that's been around the whole time.

Let me guess. You're the cad.

How'd you know?

Just a wild stab in the dark.

I've got to run so I can call the studio to find out what they mean by 'strategically placed red scarf.'

1995

I just got the role of a lifetime! I get to play a guy who's a leader of a group of people living in a desert following a nuclear war, a sheriff in the wild west, a kung fu expert defending a temple and a . . .

Son, you're playing all those different parts?

No, it's the same role. You see, the premise is...

1995

It's me. Just got off the phone with my agent. I've got a part on Star Trek.

Didn't you die when you were on it before?

Yeah, but this is a different Star Trek. I'm going to be the head of a resistance group who becomes the leader of the planet. I have to wear a flesh-colored prune on my nose, but I think women will still find me attractive.

1996

Hello Mom. They want me back on Star Trek. I guess the chicks really dug me, even with that stupid earring I had to wear. I'm going to be the love interest of one of the main characters this time.

You sure you're the love interest?

It's in the bag. My only competition is a silly shape-changing alien that's loved her for years who has to protect me from terrorists.

Ah, Son? You might want to think on that for a while.

1996

Just finished reading a script for a guest spot I think I'm going to be offered. I'll be a drama coach who does a one-man show of Shakespearean monologues. It'll be so refined, so dramatic, so laden with fruit.

Did I hear you right? Fruit?

Yeah, well he does the monologues while eating fruit.

1997

Great news, I'm going to be in a new drama series. It's all about this doctor who works at a racetrack I own and we used to be friends but now dislike each other because he loves my estranged wife.

Are you sure this is a drama and not a soap opera?

1999

Only have time for a quick call. Just finished filming a movie about a dog that plays basketball and now I have to fly off to film another movie about a giant saltwater crocodile that has eaten my father and grandfather. Lots of pathos. I bet I'll have women eating out of my hands.

This is a film about a crocodile. Sure you won't be getting your hands eaten?

You're an absolute riot, Dad.

I try. You know, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought you said you were going to try for films that would give you more opportunities for dramatic, sensitive scenes.

Yeah. What's your point?

Nothing. Never mind. Forget I mentioned it.

Anyway, wish me luck! I may have been just a cult hit in the past, but I think this could be the movie that really takes me mainstream.

Good luck, son. I mean that.

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