Geoffrey Blackpool in Unicorn of Death (1_133)

Wizards and Warriors
Home Page

Site Map
Site Updates
The Fans
The Show

About the Site
Awards and Accolades
Captioning Contest
Joining the Fun
Member Profiles
Original Art



Birthday Greetings
Fractured Tales
Kartian Carol


Aperans' Laws
Excerpts from "Ode to My Enemies."
Ode to a Small Lump of My Enemy
Phone Home
Site Promotions
Top 10 - Dirk Should Rule
Top 10 - Star Wars/W&W
Top 10 List - If Geoffrey Ruled Aperans
Villainy 101
Wizards and Warriors
Wizards and Warriors Drinking Game

If Geoffrey Ruled Aperans

Geoffrey Blackpool

In answer to a challenge by a listian:

by Kiri

10 - Cheese would be the national food of Aperans. "A cheese sandwich in every hand."

9 - Leather thingies would be required fashion accessories.

8 - Wars would be settled by personal combat. (No holds barred.)

7 - Black would be the color to be seen in. "It goes with everything and hides blood stains so well."

6 - Sneak attacks would be the preferred style of combat.

5 - Older siblings would be required to never strike a younger sibling. (This includes: poisoning them, stabbing them, feeding them to any unpleasant creatures, locking them in the dungeon, sending them on suicide missions, starving them, drowning them, throwing them off anything that could result in death, pain or dismemberment, & finally... hanging them from towers.  Any tower!)

4 - Attractive but evil women would be required to wear fashions designed by Bethel. (This rule would be enacted for his little brother Galen's pleasure. Psst... Callisto & Eris fall into this category, Galen.)

3 - Greystones would be required to lose any and all competitions whenever they are competing against a Blackpool. (Yes, Justin.  This includes drinking competitions & wenching.)

2 - The Wizardling Kiri would be the new "wizard" of the house Blackpool. (Okay, this is entirely a selfish one.  I admit it.)

And finally....

1 - Queen Ariel would be too busy trying on her thousand pairs of leather pants to bother anyone.... except King Geoffrey when she wanted to put on a fashion show.

by Anna M.C.

1.  In compliance with Dirk's will, Geoffrey dutifully erects an enormous monument in tribute to his late brother (he must be dead for Geoff to be ruling).  Surely there is no malice aforethought in its placement directly underneath the pigeon coops.  However, he cheerfully ignores Dirk's other request, that he make sure all of Aperans is destroyed (the way Dirk sees it, if he's dead, everyone else should be, too).

2.  Spelling of "Karteia" changes to "Kartaya" since, hey, that's how it sounds to Geoffrey.  Phonetics rule.

3.  Torture statistics plunge dramatically.  Not that Geoffrey's necessarily that much nicer than Dirk, but one doubts he could figure out how all the machinery works. ("Wait, is *this* the lever I turn on the rack?  What about this one?  Aw, heck, just kill him.")

4.  Due to his strange pathological aversion, any and all unicorn figurines are immediately outlawed and destroyed.

5.  Marko, not Erik, becomes Public Enemy Number One.  Not that this is a good thing -- I like Marko a lot better than Erik.  I like *anyone* a lot better than Erik.

6.  Geoffrey offers to stop all North/South hostilities (except personal grudge against Marko) in exchange for Ariel's hand in marriage.  One suspects that if it weren't for the Marko clause, Erik would agree eagerly.  King Baaldorf gives the idea some serious thought before Lattinia and Erik guilt him into saying no.

7.  Stock in black leather plunges, while stock in hats with enormous feathers goes through the roof.  And, of course, cheese futures looking darn good, thanks to National Cheese Appreciation Month.  Unicorn Figurine Guild members apply for unemployment benefits.

8.  Attempted coup by Bethel and Vector fails, thanks to surprise support for Geoffrey's regime by Karteian (sorry, Kartayan) dairy farmers.  Talk about Apocalypse Cow.  The horror . . . moo . . . the horror. ; )  [a bit of chatroom deja vu there]

9.  In retribution for failed coup, Geoffrey orders Bethel to freeze Vector in place indefinitely, just to see how *he* likes it.  He stops by and tickles the paralyzed Vector's nose now and then with aforementioned feathered hat for sheer spite.  As for Bethel . . . I leave the penance to your imagination.  One imagines it involves tickling too, but in a, shall we say, *different* way.  Rrrrrrrowr.

10.  Finally, Geoffrey upsets the balance of power by trading the monocle away to the kid in "The Kidnap"/"The Rescue" (Traquill exposition scenes) in exchange for a cheese sandwich when he's feeling uncontrollably peckish; he quickly discovers it was a magic setup by the Unicorn Figurine Guild, to which the kid is apprenticed, in collaboration with a very vengeful (and ticklish) Bethel.  Kid proceeds to take over Aperans and conduct himself like an even more annoying version of Anakin Skywalker, while Bethel enjoys the real power, biding her time till the kid's old enough to make her Queen.  Geoff ends up having to join forces with Erik, Marko, Traquill, and Justin to defeat the diabolical duo.  During a brief respite from the fighting, Ariel and Geoff enjoy a tender moment cribbed straight from Casablanca ("the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of carpaccas in this crazy world").  Erik leaves Ariel in Justin's protection, since, let's face it, Justin's not fighting if he can possibly avoid it.  Things look bad for the North when the kid, and the monocle, get captured by (surprise!) Justin and Ariel. In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Bethel unfreezes Vector and, in the face of imminent defeat by the Southerners, Vector resurrects Dirk with the Vulkar spell.  Thanks to Dirk's ruthless tactical genius, the Northerners trade Ariel some leather pants for the monocle, with no resistance from Justin (who's conveniently blotto -- you would be, too, if you had to deal with that kid *and* Ariel whining in tandem) and escape in a flurry of creaking leather, hauling the reluctant Geoffrey along with them, after Erik arrives.  Dirk sets a suddenly very penitent Geoffrey to work cleaning the memorial statue (with his tongue, probably.  He's mean enough) and changing all the signs back to "Karteia."  Erik decides there's good in every child and makes the kid his squire, thus ensuring a punishment worse than death for the little bugger.


Free Use -- no restrictions


For questions, comments or to send submission for the website, contact the webmaster at

For questions or comments about the Wizards and Warriors Mailing List, contact the list administrator at

This site contains copyright material whose use has not been specifically authorized by the copyright owners. This is a fan site only and is not affiliated with any motion picture studios, Warner Brothers, CBS, Don Reo Productions, Randi Brooks, Jeff Conaway, Julia Duffy, Tim Dunigan, Thomas Hill, Jay Kerr, Julie Payne, Duncan Regehr, Don Reo, Clive Revill, Ian Wolfe or any of the additional cast or crew of Wizards and Warriors.