Marko in Unicorn of Death (1_201)

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The Cheese Factory


It's probably safe to say that few folks know more about public humiliation than Geoffrey. He wrote the book on embarrassment -- or at least, he would have, if it weren't for those pesky reading and writing aspects. So who better to present the most ridicule-worthy screen captures imaginable? Each month we'll be providing you with a pose so silly it begs for an equally silly caption. It's your big chance to sharpen your quill and your wits and be a star!

At every site update (usually quarterly) we will post a new image for you to caption (along with the captions for the previous images). Most times, the images will be from Wizards and Warriors but on occasion we may throw in images from other shows the cast has appeared in.

Listians should post their caption(s) directly to the list. However, if you don't care to join the list, you can still participate by e-mailing your caption(s) to Crownhelm. List membership is not a requirement, just a recommendation (Try it! You'll like it!). Go to Joining the Fun for details on how to join.

Please limit any caption(s) to ratings of PG-13. Captions in bold were voted as the "best" by listians.

Summer/Fall 2004

Erik was deeply grateful to discover that Lucille Winslow, rather than asking awkward questions about his oddly ursine proclivities, merely aimed to please. Anna M.C.
(in the Worst Pun Ever category) Although Erik often appeared to 'bear-ly' tolerate Justin, the two brothers were actually very close, having survived many a 'grizzly' near-death experience.
The ever-resourceful Tammy cleverly employs the old 'Bear Costume Singing Telegram' ruse to get past the guards and gain access to her object of desire.
Anna M.C.
Who knew that love could be this good?
How do I tell Justin that he needs to shave his back... and arms... and legs...
Erik's first encounter with the "real" Belldonna wasn't quite what he was expecting. dhkitty
Erik: "Now wait a minute here, if we are going to dance, I am leading!" CelineV.
Erik: "No... it's... LEFT one two three LEFT one two three... We'll never win the Aperans' dance contest at this rate." Dawna and the fur kids
"A little to the left ... no, higher ... no, a bit to the right, now ... ahhhh, yes, right there!
The ceremonies of Camarandian royalty were many and esoteric, but none seemed quite as off-the-wall as the traditional princes' goodwill 'Bear Hug.'
"Aw, Gentle Ben, I love you too!"
Much to Erik's amusement, as part of his brother's strenuous efforts to avoid unpaid bookies and angry husbands, Justin was forced to assume ever-more-unorthodox disguises.
Anna M.C.
"You're standing on my foot!" dhkitty


Winter 2003/Spring 2004
Featuring Jay Kerr (Prince Justin Greystone) as his character from the show Five Mile Creek

[In Nature Special Voiceover Tones] "Yes, throughout history there has been a unique and special bond between man and horse." Anna M.C.
After buying Nippy the Wonder Horse, Justin discovers why it's not just vanity that inspires Erik and Dirk to wear really industrial-strength codpieces. Anna M.C.
No! I won't introduce you to Pumpkin! Scotty
I *said* let's have a TIPPLE! Scotty
After triumphing at the Tri-Kingdom Drinking Competition, Justin only placed a disappointing second in the Tri-Kingdom Bulge-Your-Adam's-Apple Competition. (Unfortunately, Rick Ocasek showed up. However, Dirk and Bethel tied in the Jut-Your-Jaw Competition, while Erik won the Grit-Your-Teeth-and-Glare Competition unopposed.) Anna M.C.
In an ill-fated attempt to join the ranks of Gene Autry and Roy Rogers (he heard there were "hot chicks" involved), Justin proves he is indeed "not so good with song." Anna M.C.
After a long fishing trip with the Winslow sisters, Justin contemplates the necessity of a really well padded saddle. Kate
Justin (half asleep, and definitely dreaming): Mmm, Lucille... Kate
[voiceover] The day after his big win in the Tri-Kingdom Drinking Competition, Prince Justin Greystone shows signs of the rigors of competition. Kate
1) You want to do what, Erik?
2) You have got to be kidding! I did what to Prince Geoffrey?


August/September/October 2003

Ariel: "Compensating for something, are we?" Anna MC
Ariel: "Erik, what a big sword you have."
Erik: "All the better to make everyone cut out the codpiece jokes."
Ariel: "Erik, what a big sword you have."
Erik: (thinking) "And my codpiece ain't bad either."
Ariel: "Erik, what a big sword you have."
Erik: "Ariel! That's not the sort of thing that a lady says... Oh, you mean THIS sword."
Ariel: "Erik, what a big sword you have."
Erik: "All the better to be heroic with."
Ariel: "Erik, what a big sword you have."
Erik: "All the better to inspire cutting comments"


May/June/July 2003

[In an ABC Afterschool Special Announcer Voice]: For Vector, monocle-sniffing was only the beginning of a dark and sordid life of magic addiction. Anna M.C.
"Yes, that would be the perfect sized codpiece for Greystone." dhkitty62
"Why yes, M'Lord, my nose would glow if you stuck it up there." CelineV
DIRK: "You see, Vector, monocles beat rock, paper, *and* scissors every time." Anna M.C.
Much to his chagrin, Dirk sees firsthand how excessive zeecon radiation and chronic allergies have earned Vector the nickname "Nuclear Booger Boy." Anna M.C.
Vector: [drunkenly] "No, my lord, I wasn't aware that a monocle could be fitted nasally." Crownhelm
"A simple 'gesundheit' would have sufficed, my lord." Anna M.C.
Caught up in a Yuletide spirit of sadistic, drunken whimsy, Dirk sings: "Vector, the blue-nosed wizard..." Anna M.C.


February/March/April 2003

Vector: "When I'm calling yoooooou"
Bethel: "Will you answer truuuuuue."
Vector: "Is that Prince Blackpool's underwear on the flagpole?"
Bethel: "It can't be Dirk's. They're not..."
Vector: "Remember the saying that compares the size of a man's nose to his..." Scotty
Vector: "There's a bear!"
Bethel: "Where?"
Vector: "Over there!".
Bethel (thinking): "I was planning to kill Dirk so I could be with THIS? I must have been nuts."" dhkitty
"Beauty and the Beast." dhkitty


December 2002/January 2003

"If your highness would be so kind as to dangle Prince Geoffrey from the South Tower instead, we may get better reception." Scotty
"Vector, I told you that I had to see the Rose Bowl this year! Now fix the thing or you will find a cougar in your bed tonight!" CelineV
"My lord, Greystone will never be able to resist trying it on -- and you *know* what the Jolly Green Giant's Evil Codpiece of Doom will do to a man! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Anna M.C.
"Why does the Visionscope always break down before the big game?" Deb Hanson
"So this is what's inside Geoffrey's/Ariel's head." Deb Hanson
Dirk: "I knew he asked for a bigger codpiece, but this is ridiculous!" Wendina
"Blast it! I *still* cannot see next week's lottery numbers!" Mad Jan


October/November 2002

*Marko and Cassandra singing to the tune of "Over At The Frankenstein Place" from Rocky Horror Picture Show*
 "There's a light... over at the Blackpool place..."
*Singing duet*
"Ah... sweet mystery of life at last I've found thee..."
"And now Marko and Cassandra will sing the love theme from Wizards and Warriors..." Tammy
*In woozy tones of pain and blood loss*
"Thanks for the concern, Cassandra -- but getting a spear rammed through the neck is just one of those occupational hazards of working with Erik."
[look closely at the picture and you'll get it, I promise]
Anna M.C.
Cassandra: "This hat doesn't make me look silly, does it?"
Marko: "Oh, my! Look at the time! I'm late... er... Erik was gonna meet me at the Skull & Dagger, gotta go!"


August/September 2002

"May the gods go with you... and quit looming over my shoulder. That holy light is blinding!!!." Kim/Ashber
"Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a dragon! It's... Justin testing the catapult again?" Angel
"Let's see - where did I put those keys to the castle?" Celine V


June/July 2002

"Obviously the Jinx Warrior Cleaning Service doesn't quite have the 'Wash and Wear' concept down pat yet." Rus
"Me? Oh, I'm just hanging around, waiting for Lucille to show up." Xena
"I know this isn't a good time... but I have to use the bathroom." Raynna
"Okay, okay. I'll meet your mom. Now untie me. Sc
1) "Is that a rope around my chest, or are you just glad to see me?"
2) (To tailor) "Yeah, if you could let it out a bit at the sides, that'd be great."
Gc&Sc Channing
"Honestly, Vector, does this outfit make me look thinner?" Wendina


April/May 2002

"(Looks under table) Sorry, Vector. I didn't see you standing there." Sc
"Got to get neck fixed. Can't see girls this way. And no, it wasn't Kiri's fault!" Xena
"Oh no, honey. I don't think that skirt is short at all...except maybe not short enough." Ashber/Kim
"I told you, Geoffrey, it's the size of a man's bouffant, NOT the feather in his hat that is important!" Wendina


August 2001

"You think my hat means WHAT?!" Anna M.C.
"Is that a feather in your cap or are you just glad to see me?" Wendina
"My . . . my . . . my collection of rare cheeses . . . ruined!" Rus
"What do you mean I'm not a natural brunette?!" Crownhelm
1) "WHAT?!! What do you mean they closed Hickory Farms?"
2) "OH MY GOD! I've been chosen to judge the fondue contest?"
G&S Channing
"OMG!  It's a cheese sculpture of a naked Ariel!" Xena


July 2001

"What's that, Mirror? I'm NOT the most beautiful girl in the kingdom?"
"Did that come outta me?" MO
1) "At the Copa, Copa Cabana..."
2) (Belch)  "Hmmm... too much taragon on that tadmon."
3) "What do you mean I'm ALMOST as cute as Eric?"
Ariel suddenly realizes why Dirk keeps kidnapping her.  He's too shy to ask her out. Galen
Setting the scene: Vulkar's Revenge.
"Come to think of it, I believe that awful Dirk Blackpool was being, well, awful, when he said 'Funny, I can hear the ocean' when he kissed me on the cheek."
"EEEK!  A gray hair!" Xena
1) "WHAT!!!? A sale at Mervins and you didn't TELL me?"
2) "What do you mean my hat knocked the chandelier down?"


June 2001

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today . . . . CJ
MARKO: "You know, you just get better lookin' every day."
ERIK: "Yeah, I do, don't I?"
MARKO: "Modest, too."
ERIK: "To a fault."
1) "Yeah, Geoffrey'll fall for that."
2) "You, me, a few goats..."
"Hah! Scissors beat paper!"
"Okay, okay. You get Margaret, and I'll take Lucille. Boy, some people have all the luck."
"Ain't it the truth?"
Marko:  You look great, Erik.  Blue suits you.
Erik:  Thanks, Marko.  Sometimes a guy just wants to feel pretty.
Priest:  "And do you, Prince Eric Greystone, take this man, Marko Herpe, to your lawfully wedded..."
Eric to Marko:  "I'm so glad you helped me accept my true sexual identity."
Marko to Eric:  "Yeah, just think how close you came to marrying Ariel."
Eric to Marko:  "No kidding!  How could I possibly have considered spending the rest of my life with someone who would compete with me for mirror time."
MARKO:  "You did it."
ERIK:  "I did it."
MARKO:  "Do you think Ariel will notice?"
ERIK:  "Does bleach stay on a blond?"


May 2001

"Melon smuggling?  Me?  Whatever gave you such a silly idea, Prince Justin?" Anna M.C.
1) "See?  I do wear clothes sometimes."
2) (Bethel thinking)   "Damn...Galen is soooo much better looking than Dirk."
shoes, hats-not hats! shoes, wonderbras-not those either! shoes CelineV
"What?  Magically enhanced?  What a silly thought." Xena
"It's so *weird*--Dirk and Galen actually agree on something!  They both call them 'pillows'!" Rae
1) "Oh, my!  Geoffrey said something intelligent! The world must be ending."
2) "Yes, Dirk.  Your ear muffs are right here."
"Blast it, Vector! I didn't tell you to fill her HEAD with air, as well!" Janice
"Why, *of course* they're real -- real expensive." Pyra
"Whatever gave you the idea that I was smuggling cantaloupes?" Sc
1) Anyone care to polka???...there's room for one more...
2) Dirk, your SO unpredictable...


March 2001

*After attending the Aperarian equivalent of Woodstock* "Ohhhh. Look at all the pretty colors." CJ
Oh, aren't going to blame THAT conjuration on me! Xena
1) "Y-you mean Mumsy was wrong and I *do* wear hats?"
 2) "Damn, but Dirk's studs tear up the furniture. I just sat on a splinter."
Woogie oogie boo CelineV
1) Now where did I put those TUMMS??? Ariel was right, my stew was DISGUSTING!!!..Maybe, I should take a cooking class in my spare time!!
2) BY THE GODS I SWEAR...I WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM AGAIN (Dirk)...that lightening hawk was HORRIBLE!!!


February 2001

The dentist said this would wear off in an hour...stop laughing, Ariel! Xena
. . . Sizzy . . . Hot . . . Water . . . Rus
My Gosh Dirk, there are too many fans out there for you.  I'll just a couple off your hands!!!! CelineV
OH MY GOD! Bethel is- she's - she wearing CLOTHES! Sc
Get your hands off my can of hairspray! CJ
How *dare* you be sold out of Clairol Quick Fix Black Roots Touch-Up?!? Anna M.C.
All right, Justin, I'll pick up your bar tab!  But this is the last time I want to hear a word about The Cliffs of Death, or getting blown to Grogan in bite-sized pieces if you hadn't been there with that knife. Cre8vWrter


January 2001

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Well, no, I've never particularly wanted to French kiss a Jinx Warrior, but thanks for asking. Crownhelm
Wedgie, s-s-s-ire? Rus
MMMMMMMMMMMMM Taste like chicken, what ever the hell that is! CelineV
Man, you're right, smoking a lightning hawk's an even better high than eating one . . . Anna M.C.
Early Screentest for "BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD"
Featuring original cast members: Dirk Blackpool and Richard Gere (pre-cosmetic surgery).
Galen Blackpool
How I HATE Hemorrhoids! Rae
Whoa!  And I thought Geoffrey's limburger cheese smelled bad! Xena
1) (Trying not to gag) How do I tell Vector to put his shoes back on?
2) (Looking at Bethel) So THAT's where she keeps her wallet.
3) (Looking at Vector) Nice hat.


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