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Site Promotions
(written to promote the new website prior to its premiere)
by Anna M.C. and CJ
Top 10 Reasons to
Vote for the New Site Name
10. If you don’t vote, Erik will come to your house, tie you to a chair, and read moral lectures at you. (Tammy, kindly read this as “*won’t* come to your house . . .,” you kinky girl, you.)
9. All voters will receive one full year’s supply of Turtle Wax and Rice-R-Roni, the San Francisco Treat – Savory Tadmon Flavor!
8. Forget about those cheap “I voted!” pins – how about a nice leather thingie?
7. Justin's placed some sizeable bets that you'll vote -- with a bookie named Vito "The Human Enema" Coscarini. Don't let him down, here.
6. You can help bring the notion of democracy to the Aperanian populace, still burdened with the shackles of an outdated feudalism. (“Now we see the violence inherent in the system . . . Help, help, I’m bein’ oppressed!”)
5. If everyone doesn’t vote, we go with the default website title: “Vector’s Slime Pit.”
4. The rush of exhilaration you get when you vote feels just like Dirk on a monocle-fondling power trip! Ooooh, yeah, baby . . .
3. We’ve told Ariel it’s actually a beauty contest. She’ll be royally pissed when she finds out we all voted and she didn’t win.
2. Voting’s “fun” and easy! If Geoff can do it, so can you! Heck, so can linoleum! And we don’t know the meaning of the word apathy! Or at least Geoff doesn’t! Or the spelling, either, for that matter!
And, the number one reason to vote . . .
1. Because Dirk gets **very nasty** when people don’t vote! (Think North Tower, here, people. The super-scenic route.)
Aperanian Herald
Special Edition
Monday, December 11, 2000
MAJOR UPHEAVAL LOOMS IN NEAR FUTURE
By Don Rythyr
In today's major breaking story, a significant event may be about to take place in the land of Aperans. According to a statement issued earlier today by Cyril Lemming, a spokesman for the Guild of Oracles, soothsayers throughout Camarand have been watching the signs and portents for several months. "At this time, information is still very sketchy. All we have been able to discern is that a significant and massive transformation is about to occur. At least, we think so. Whether this event will be beneficial or detrimental is unknown. We have been able to pinpoint that this event will occur within the next several days, though. Probably." When accused by a heckler of "pulling a Belldonna" with his vague and unhelpful information, the spokesman made an obscene gesture and left without further comment.
Speculation is running high about what this mysterious event could be. One source has stated that King Edwin Baaldorf will finally announce the formal engagement of his daughter, her royal highness Princess Ariel, to Prince Erik Greystone. When questioned further, the source revealed that Queen Lattinia has been cloistered for several weeks with Aperans' finest dressmakers. "No one's seen her go in or out. That's a long shopping spree even for her." Prince Erik Greystone has remained conspicuously absent throughout all this discussion of marriage, and a groom at the royal stables confirmed that his horse, Southwind, is missing.
Another source has hinted that Prince Dirk Blackpool is close to unveiling his latest scheme to become overlord of all Aperans. For information about Prince Blackpool's most recent failed attempts, see editions of the Aperanian Herald dated Nov. 8, 14, 22, 23, and 30 or order the "Annual Review of the Triumphs of Prince Erik Greystone" which will be published early next month.
As further information is gathered, we will continue to keep you up to date on up-to-the-minute developments by publishing special editions of the Aperanian Herald.
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The Wizard Traquill Celebrates His 1,047th Birthday
Crowds showed up today at Castle Baaldorf to help the Wizard Traquill celebrate his 1,047th birthday with free ale, free food, and a breathy rendition of "Happy Birthday, Dear Traquill" by the Winslow sisters. Unfortunately, the festivities had to be cut short as they were interrupting the guest of honor's nap.
Aperanian Herald
Special Edition
Tuesday, December 12, 2000
SERIOUS DOUBT CAST ON WEDDING RUMORS
By Don Rythyr
In the latest development in the ongoing "Upheaval in Aperans?" series, spokespersons for both the Guild of Lacemakers and the Guild of Printers and Engravers issued official statements denying that they had been contacted concerning any wedding work. "We'd need at least six months' lead time -- and that's with around-the-clock overtime -- to make all the lace the Princess would demand," sniffed Marianna Winslow, President of the Guild of Lacemakers. "And there hasn't been a peep from the castle. If they're planning a wedding, it's not anytime soon, I'll tell you that. We're not miracle workers, you know."
"With all the gold leaf the buggers'd want, we're talking two months minimum for the invitations," estimated Rawley Stone, head of the Guild of Printers and Engravers. "And then of course, the Queen would want 'em sent out at least six months before the wedding day for royal etiquette. Think what you like, but I know I ain't hiring any extra temps 'till I hear it straight from the horse's mouth. No, not from Marko, you stupid bugger, it's just an expression."
As no word has yet been received from any of Baaldorf's heralds concerning the rumor, it is possible the guild representatives may have been instructed to issue official denials. Currently cloistered with Queen Lattinia, the president of the Guild of Dressmakers could not be reached for comment. However, a dressmaker who asked to remain anonymous hinted that the Queen might just have needed some extensive alterations. "She's not as young as she used to be, you know, and all those carpaccas have got to go somewhere."
When approached at Dunfirm Tavern, Prince Justin Greystone, after he finished laughing hysterically, denied any wedding plans were in the stars for his heroic sibling. "Pal, lemme tell ya, the only upheaval I know about is the one you get when you drink too many crawlers, you know what I'm sayin'? You can't take them oracles too seriously or you'll get all stressed. I think they've just been drinkin' too much sacramental wine. Which is actually pretty good stuff. There was this one really fine priestess who brought over a bottle one night --"
In the interest of not being contacted by the Guild of Oracles' representative in the Guild of Lawyers and Solicitors, the Aperanian Herald has chosen not to print the remainder of Prince Justin's statements, since they weren't very relevant anyway. We will keep watch for any further developments in this breaking news story.
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Vassal Sued by Fauna
A representative from the Guild of Lawyers and Solicitors has been in contact with Prince Erik Greystone's vassal, Marko, to lodge a formal complaint from the wildlife of greater Aperans. "The animals of Aperans have a reasonable right to go about their business secure in the knowledge that they are not being eavesdropped upon," said Hector Price. "We shall be forced to consider legal action should this unconscionable behavior continue."
Although the vassal could not be reached for comment, his brother Michael informed us that the complaint was "from a few malcontent weasels. You know how weasels are."
Aperanian Herald
Special Edition
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
WEDDING RUMOR QUELLED
WEAPONS RUMOR GAINS CREDENCE
By Don Rythyr
Speculation about an upcoming wedding between Princess Ariel Baaldorf and Prince Erik Greystone was officially laid to rest today by word from Prince Erik Greystone himself, just returned from yet another hazardous and heroic expedition (see following story). When asked if a date had been set, the Prince, after a short scream, responded "No! No! Nonononononononono! Definitely not. Uh-uh. No way. Not even close." As Prince Erik is known to be incapable of lying, this would appear to constitute an end to any further rumors at this time.
In another development, however, a Mr. Goz Dunder has supplied the Aperanian Herald with exclusive information overheard at the Sword and Skull (for a price). "I couldn't hear very well, mind you, since I was a crawler at the time, but I definitely heard the word 'web.' My guess is Vector has a new surprise in store, maybe giant spiders." Considering the Blackpool prince's virulent arachnophobia, could it be a plot aimed at Dirk instead of Erik? The Aperanian Herald will keep digging and bribing until the truth is out!
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Prince Greystone Triumphs Yet Again
Prince Erik Greystone returned from yet another epic defeat of the forces of evil today, slaughtering the blood-beast which has been wreaking great devastation upon the village of Ende. "When Marko and I arrived in Ende, they threw us a parade, of course," the Prince bragged. "Then we went down to the Howling Hills, where we blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda nobody's going to read this anyway, it's the same as all his other stories blah blah blah blah blah blah blah might as well insert a recipe for carpacca salad yaddah yaddah yaddah blah blah blah."
The Aperanian Herald congratulates the Prince on his latest escapade. Interested citizens may attend the victory celebration at Dunfirm Tavern at 9pm tonight, which is what you were really reading this article to find out.
Aperanian Herald
Special Edition
Thursday, December 14, 2000
VECTOR ISSUES HEATED DENIAL
ORACLES PIN DOWN A DATE
By Tom Brekkaw
In an unprecedented move, the wizard Vector himself has sent a message to the offices of the Aperanian Herald. "I resent the aspersions cast upon my loyalty to Prince Dirk Blackpool in your recent story," his letter stated. "Prince Blackpool knows that it is my highest and entirely voluntary desire to keep myself and my monocle always at his service. I also resent the manner in which the writer leapt to the conclusion that if any evil was afoot, I would be behind it. Incidentally, this letter was written with ink mixed with Grox saliva, so if you've been unwise enough to touch the writing, you should be dead within 15 minutes."
In addition to Vector's poison-pen missive, Long Tall Sally at the Sword and Skull has informed our roving reporter that no unusual Death Trooper activities have been evident. "This place is always crawling with troopers -- literally -- right before Blackpool plans an invasion. It's a tall order, keeping them in line, but I always rise to the occasion."
In other news, the Guild of Oracles has issued an additional statement announcing that they are "pretty darn sure" the mysterious event, whatever it is, should "almost definitely" occur tomorrow. An unrelated statement also denied the involvement of any Guild priestesses with Prince Justin Greystone. The Aperanian Herald regards both press releases with the appropriate level of skepticism, and will continue to monitor and report changes as they occur.
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Aperanian Herald Reporter Out of Critical Condition
The latest word from the hospital run by the nuns of the Most Sacred Order of Kaltrinnia is that Don Rythyr, noted investigative reporter for the Aperanian Herald, is expected to pull through. Rythyr was admitted early this morning suffering from the severe cramps, sweating, and irresistible compulsion to sing Barry Manilow songs associated with Grox saliva poisoning. "If we can keep the other patients from killing him, he should be fine," Sister Martha noted. "Mr. Rythyr is not in any condition to receive visitors at this time, however. And that includes you, Hector Price."
Aperanian Herald
Special Edition
Thursday, December 14, 2000
MYSTERY SOLVED!
by Don Rythyr
The big news in Aperans has finally made itself apparent, and citizens are speechless with shock and awe. "I'm speechless with shock and awe," said Marko this morning. "By the way, shouldn't you still be in bed? Grox saliva's nothing to mess with." Cyril Lemming, spokesman for the Guild of Oracles, agreed that he was also "speechless with shock and awe," and added, somewhat defensively, that they had been "darn close" to the correct date, "a lot closer than we usually are. You gotta give us credit for that."
The Baaldorfs are said to be planning a spectacular reception in honor of the grand unveiling of the surprise. "That's why I wanted to look my best," explained Queen Lattinia Baaldorf. "Too many carpaccas, indeed." Even Prince Erik Greystone himself is said to be taking the night off from fighting evil to admire this unprecedented event -- and the Aperanian Herald is bringing it to you first, ladies and gentlemen. To find out what has all of Aperans abuzz, just go here:
Aperans, the Haven for Wizards and Warriors
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