(written to promote the new website prior to its premiere)
Top 10 Reasons to
Vote for the New Site Name
10. If you don’t vote, Erik will come to your house, tie you to a
chair, and read moral lectures at you. (Tammy, kindly read this as
“*won’t* come to your house . . .,” you kinky girl, you.)
9. All voters will receive one full year’s supply of Turtle Wax and Rice-R-Roni,
the San Francisco Treat – Savory Tadmon Flavor!
8. Forget about those cheap “I voted!” pins – how about a nice leather
7. Justin's placed some sizeable bets that you'll vote -- with a bookie named
Vito "The Human Enema" Coscarini. Don't let him down, here.
6. You can help bring the notion of democracy to the Aperanian populace,
still burdened with the shackles of an outdated feudalism. (“Now we see the
violence inherent in the system . . . Help, help, I’m bein’ oppressed!”)
5. If everyone doesn’t vote, we go with the default website title:
“Vector’s Slime Pit.”
4. The rush of exhilaration you get when you vote feels just like Dirk on a
monocle-fondling power trip! Ooooh, yeah, baby . . .
3. We’ve told Ariel it’s actually a beauty contest. She’ll be royally
pissed when she finds out we all voted and she didn’t win.
2. Voting’s “fun” and easy! If Geoff can do it, so can you! Heck, so
can linoleum! And we don’t know the meaning of the word apathy! Or
at least Geoff doesn’t! Or the spelling, either, for that matter!
And, the number one reason to vote . . .
1. Because Dirk gets **very nasty** when people don’t vote! (Think North
Tower, here, people. The super-scenic route.)
Monday, December 11, 2000
MAJOR UPHEAVAL LOOMS IN NEAR FUTURE
By Don Rythyr
In today's major breaking story, a significant event may be about to take
place in the land of Aperans. According to a statement issued earlier today by
Cyril Lemming, a spokesman for the Guild of Oracles, soothsayers throughout
Camarand have been watching the signs and portents for several months. "At
this time, information is still very sketchy. All we have been able to
discern is that a significant and massive transformation is about to occur.
At least, we think so. Whether this event will be beneficial or
detrimental is unknown. We have been able to pinpoint that this
event will occur within the next several days, though. Probably."
When accused by a heckler of "pulling a Belldonna" with his vague and unhelpful
information, the spokesman made an obscene gesture and left without further
Speculation is running high about what this mysterious event could be. One
source has stated that King Edwin Baaldorf will finally announce the formal
engagement of his daughter, her royal highness Princess Ariel, to Prince Erik
Greystone. When questioned further, the source revealed that Queen Lattinia has
been cloistered for several weeks with Aperans' finest dressmakers. "No
one's seen her go in or out. That's a long shopping spree even for her."
Prince Erik Greystone has remained conspicuously absent throughout all this
discussion of marriage, and a groom at the royal stables confirmed that his
horse, Southwind, is missing.
Another source has hinted that Prince Dirk Blackpool is close to unveiling
his latest scheme to become overlord of all Aperans. For information about
Prince Blackpool's most recent failed attempts, see editions of the Aperanian
Herald dated Nov. 8, 14, 22, 23, and 30 or order the "Annual Review of the
Triumphs of Prince Erik Greystone" which will be published early next month.
As further information is gathered, we will continue to keep you up to date
on up-to-the-minute developments by publishing special editions of the
Live-Long Youth Elixir takes decades off your life. Fully endorsed by the
Wizard Traquill. "After taking Live-Long Youth Elixir, I don't feel a day over
Buy one bottle, get 12 free. Act now and receive, as a special bonus
gift, one bottle of Sparkle-White Shampoo, to keep your beard looking its best.
Send 25 kolnas to Belldonna's Herbal Extracts.
The Wizard Traquill Celebrates His 1,047th Birthday
Crowds showed up today at Castle Baaldorf to help the Wizard Traquill
celebrate his 1,047th birthday with free ale, free food, and a breathy rendition
of "Happy Birthday, Dear Traquill" by the Winslow sisters. Unfortunately, the
festivities had to be cut short as they were interrupting the guest of honor's
Tuesday, December 12, 2000
SERIOUS DOUBT CAST ON WEDDING RUMORS
By Don Rythyr
In the latest development in the ongoing "Upheaval in Aperans?" series,
spokespersons for both the Guild of Lacemakers and the Guild of Printers and
Engravers issued official statements denying that they had been contacted
concerning any wedding work. "We'd need at least six months' lead time --
and that's with around-the-clock overtime -- to make all the lace the Princess
would demand," sniffed Marianna Winslow, President of the Guild of Lacemakers.
"And there hasn't been a peep from the castle. If they're planning a
wedding, it's not anytime soon, I'll tell you that. We're not miracle
workers, you know."
"With all the gold leaf the buggers'd want, we're talking two months minimum
for the invitations," estimated Rawley Stone, head of the Guild of Printers and
Engravers. "And then of course, the Queen would want 'em sent out at least
six months before the wedding day for royal etiquette. Think what you
like, but I know I ain't hiring any extra temps 'till I hear it straight from
the horse's mouth. No, not from Marko, you stupid bugger, it's just an
As no word has yet been received from any of Baaldorf's heralds concerning
the rumor, it is possible the guild representatives may have been instructed to
issue official denials. Currently cloistered with Queen Lattinia, the
president of the Guild of Dressmakers could not be reached for comment.
However, a dressmaker who asked to remain anonymous hinted that the Queen might
just have needed some extensive alterations. "She's not as young as she
used to be, you know, and all those carpaccas have got to go somewhere."
When approached at Dunfirm Tavern, Prince Justin Greystone, after he finished
laughing hysterically, denied any wedding plans were in the stars for his heroic
sibling. "Pal, lemme tell ya, the only upheaval I know about is the one
you get when you drink too many crawlers, you know what I'm sayin'? You can't
take them oracles too seriously or you'll get all stressed. I think
they've just been drinkin' too much sacramental wine. Which is actually
pretty good stuff. There was this one really fine priestess who brought
over a bottle one night --"
In the interest of not being contacted by the Guild of Oracles'
representative in the Guild of Lawyers and Solicitors, the Aperanian Herald
has chosen not to print the remainder of Prince Justin's statements, since they
weren't very relevant anyway. We will keep watch for any further
developments in this breaking news story.
You might need lace for a royal wedding, but leather goes with every other
occasion. Remember, Monsieur Claude's House of Fine Leather Goods for the
Discerning Gentleman (and Adult Video Shoppe) has been the official
Leatherworker to the Stars for over 40 years. When you think leather
thingies, think Claude's. Located in the heart of beautiful downtown
Karteia. Shipping to Camarand available with extra hazard tax.
Vassal Sued by Fauna
A representative from the Guild of Lawyers and Solicitors has been in contact
with Prince Erik Greystone's vassal, Marko, to lodge a formal complaint from the
wildlife of greater Aperans. "The animals of Aperans have a reasonable
right to go about their business secure in the knowledge that they are not being
eavesdropped upon," said Hector Price. "We shall be forced to consider
legal action should this unconscionable behavior continue."
Although the vassal could not be reached for comment, his brother Michael
informed us that the complaint was "from a few malcontent weasels. You
know how weasels are."
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
WEDDING RUMOR QUELLED
WEAPONS RUMOR GAINS CREDENCE
By Don Rythyr
Speculation about an upcoming wedding between Princess Ariel Baaldorf and
Prince Erik Greystone was officially laid to rest today by word from Prince Erik
Greystone himself, just returned from yet another hazardous and heroic
expedition (see following story). When asked if a date had been set, the Prince,
after a short scream, responded "No! No! Nonononononononono!
Definitely not. Uh-uh. No way. Not even close." As Prince Erik is
known to be incapable of lying, this would appear to constitute an end to any
further rumors at this time.
In another development, however, a Mr. Goz Dunder has supplied the
Aperanian Herald with exclusive information overheard at the Sword and Skull
(for a price). "I couldn't hear very well, mind you, since I was a crawler
at the time, but I definitely heard the word 'web.' My guess is Vector has
a new surprise in store, maybe giant spiders." Considering the Blackpool
prince's virulent arachnophobia, could it be a plot aimed at Dirk instead of
Erik? The Aperanian Herald will keep digging and bribing until the
truth is out!
Come to the All-Aperans Whale Ball tournament this weekend at Caserne Pass.
Admission only 10 kolnas for adults, free for children under the age of 12, only
8 kolnas with advance purchase. Winner gets to go one-on-one against the
Wizard Traquill. Fun for the whole family! Event subject to
cancellation without refund in the event of Rains of Death.
Prince Greystone Triumphs Yet Again
Prince Erik Greystone returned from yet another epic defeat of the forces of
evil today, slaughtering the blood-beast which has been wreaking great
devastation upon the village of Ende. "When Marko and I arrived in Ende,
they threw us a parade, of course," the Prince bragged. "Then we went down
to the Howling Hills, where we blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda nobody's going
to read this anyway, it's the same as all his other stories blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah might as well insert a recipe for carpacca salad yaddah yaddah
yaddah blah blah blah."
The Aperanian Herald congratulates the Prince on his latest escapade.
Interested citizens may attend the victory celebration at Dunfirm Tavern at 9pm
tonight, which is what you were really reading this article to find out.
Thursday, December 14, 2000
VECTOR ISSUES HEATED DENIAL
ORACLES PIN DOWN A DATE
By Tom Brekkaw
In an unprecedented move, the wizard Vector himself has sent a message to the
offices of the Aperanian Herald. "I resent the aspersions cast upon
my loyalty to Prince Dirk Blackpool in your recent story," his letter stated.
"Prince Blackpool knows that it is my highest and entirely voluntary desire to
keep myself and my monocle always at his service. I also resent the manner
in which the writer leapt to the conclusion that if any evil was afoot, I would
be behind it. Incidentally, this letter was written with ink mixed with
Grox saliva, so if you've been unwise enough to touch the writing, you should be
dead within 15 minutes."
In addition to Vector's poison-pen missive, Long Tall Sally at the Sword and
Skull has informed our roving reporter that no unusual Death Trooper activities
have been evident. "This place is always crawling with troopers --
literally -- right before Blackpool plans an invasion. It's a tall order,
keeping them in line, but I always rise to the occasion."
In other news, the Guild of Oracles has issued an additional statement
announcing that they are "pretty darn sure" the mysterious event, whatever it
is, should "almost definitely" occur tomorrow. An unrelated statement also
denied the involvement of any Guild priestesses with Prince Justin Greystone.
The Aperanian Herald regards both press releases with the appropriate
level of skepticism, and will continue to monitor and report changes as they
Had a "nasty accident"? The firm of Verrie, Heftie, and Price can help
you get the payment you deserve. Jonathan Verrie, Silas Heftie, and Hector Price
have all been members in good standing of the Guild of Lawyers and Solicitors
for over twenty-five years, and Hector Price is a noted specialist in the field
of accident and injury litigation! Just listen to these satisfied customer
Ensign Peter Woolley: "When I accidentally got a sword through the
back, Hector Price helped me get all the workman's comp I was entitled to,
and successfully sued the armory for manufacturing an unsafe weapon. Thank
you, Hector Price."
Prince Justin Greystone: "All the repetitive wrist motion from liftin'
those heavy mugs at Dunfirm Tavern gave me carpal tunnel syndrome. Hector
Price got me a nice settlement, and it's downright amazin' how much better it
made me feel."
Yes, for all your litigation needs, it's Verrie, Heftie, and Price.
Please note -- we cannot accept lawsuits against Dirk Blackpool. However,
as Peter Woolley will tell you, we're sure to find somebody else to sue.
Aperanian Herald Reporter Out of Critical Condition
The latest word from the hospital run by the nuns of the Most Sacred Order of
Kaltrinnia is that Don Rythyr, noted investigative reporter for the Aperanian
Herald, is expected to pull through. Rythyr was admitted early this morning
suffering from the severe cramps, sweating, and irresistible compulsion to sing
Barry Manilow songs associated with Grox saliva poisoning. "If we can keep
the other patients from killing him, he should be fine," Sister Martha noted.
"Mr. Rythyr is not in any condition to receive visitors at this time, however.
And that includes you, Hector Price."
Thursday, December 14, 2000
by Don Rythyr
The big news in Aperans has finally made itself apparent, and citizens are
speechless with shock and awe. "I'm speechless with shock and awe," said
Marko this morning. "By the way, shouldn't you still be in bed? Grox
saliva's nothing to mess with." Cyril Lemming, spokesman for the Guild of
Oracles, agreed that he was also "speechless with shock and awe," and added,
somewhat defensively, that they had been "darn close" to the correct date, "a
lot closer than we usually are. You gotta give us credit for that."
The Baaldorfs are said to be planning a spectacular reception in honor of the
grand unveiling of the surprise. "That's why I wanted to look my best,"
explained Queen Lattinia Baaldorf. "Too many carpaccas, indeed."
Even Prince Erik Greystone himself is said to be taking the night off from
fighting evil to admire this unprecedented event -- and the Aperanian
Herald is bringing it to you first, ladies and gentlemen. To find out
what has all of Aperans abuzz, just go here:
Aperans, the Haven for Wizards
Letters to the editor (i.e., comments!) are very much encouraged!
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