From: Erik Greystone
My Lady Debbie the Vampire Slayer,
A little bird told me (well, actually a little bird told Marko, who told me, but that's beside the point) that Saturday is your birthday. I thought that it seemed rather appropriate to send my best wishes to you upon this occasion, since I feel a sort of kinship with you; on this disgracefully depraved, downright disgusting mailing list, you seem to be the sole person dedicated to fighting, like me, for truth, justice, and the Camarandian Way.
In truth, I hear you've confessed to having a small crush on me in your youth. Oh, look now, I've made you blush, haven't I? There's no need to be so embarrassed; I mean, I don't mind a bit. After all, I realize what a thrill this must be for a novice Vampire Slayer such as yourself, meeting such a legendary fellow Slayer of Evil like me. You know, that brings to mind the story of the time I went head-to-head with the fabled Magra demon in the Land of Storms -- they're a type of blood-drinker, rather like vampires. Come to think of it, you'd probably really enjoy that story. You see, it was a bitterly cold November night, and I -- oh, um, wait just one second -- I'll be right back. (Marko, I'm right in the middle of a story, here, can't it wait? What is it? . . . What do you mean? Hey, I am NOT acting like a jerk. She's a fan of mine, I just thought she might like to hear a bit about one of my better adventures, is that such a problem? Oh, very funny, yes I AM capable of talking for five minutes without making myself the center of the conversation. At least I'm capable of talking for five minutes without discussing food, dancing, and chatting with the animal kingdom, all right? Oh, come on, Marko, don't be that way. It was just a joke, I was kidding. Look, I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean it. Really. No, actually, you look like you've lost some weight. Really, you do. Are you all right now? You sure? All right.)
Sorry about that. Best leave that story to finish another time. Hey! What about tonight? Justin and I are meeting for drinks tonight at the Tavern, and only one of the Winslows could make it. I'd be honored if you'd drop by, trade stories with me, and permit me to treat you to a "pinky surprise" to toast to the health of your twenty-eighth year. (What is it now? No, Marko, I'm NOT going to ask Debbie if she likes to dance!)
As for the rest of you -- I still haven't forgotten how you behaved (or, more accurately, MISbehaved) during the Festival of Fools (especially you, Celine!). However, the more that I think about it, I've come to realize that the whole lot of you can't really be held responsible for your actions. Dirk must have threatened and intimidated you poor, helpless women into doing his bidding. Yes, that must be it -- why else would you have pages of pictures of him instead of me on your List website, if he hadn't forced you? The villain! The scoundrel! It makes me so angry I could almost curse.
Well, I won't just stand idly by and let such dastardly abuse of damsels in distress continue under my very nose. Let me assure you that I offer all of you my unconditional protection and assistance should you ever decide to avail yourselves of my aid. And -- ah, just a minute. (Darn it, Marko, I -- oh, Princess Ariel, it's you. I beg your pardon, I didn't see you come in -- no, no, wait a minute, you've got this all wrong. She's just a fellow warrior, not a girlfriend at all. No, of course, I would NEVER give her any leather pants for her birthday. Or lace, either, for that matter. No, you're the only one! Really, I swear on my sacred sword! Yes, I do remember how Blackpool's plot ruined your birthday, I was very sorry about that, but there was nothing I could do, I couldn't just let the castle blow up! No, I don't think her birthday is more important than yours, your birthday is a state holiday, Ariel, for goodness' sakes, I was just -- No, Ariel, please don't cry, no, don't do that. No, you SHOULDN'T have stuck with Geoffrey, he does NOT know how to treat a lady better than I do! Come on, be reasonable here, I -- Hey, Marko, I was NOT being an insensitive jerk! Look, I really don't need your help here. Oh, tadmon feathers.)
*Sigh* Um, Debbie, I'm sorry to cut this short so rudely, but I've really got to go right now. However, I'll look forward to that drink. I think I really, really REALLY am going to need one. A lot.
His Royal Highness
From: Dirk Blackpool
Item one: I realize that complex, demanding intellectual activities such as reading tend to be excessively taxing upon the Greystone intellect. Hence, in an effort to accommodate your lamentably limited mental capacities, I shall rephrase my edict concerning List birthdays entirely in monosyllables for your exclusive benefit. To wit, it is as follows:
THIS . . . LIST . . . IS . . . MINE! SHUT . . . UP . . . AND . . . GET . . . OUT!
Item two: Not that it is of any particular concern to me, but I find it rather amusing that you have managed to so successfully delude yourself that this little group consists of nothing more than hapless hostages to my ruthless villainy. Believe me, that was hardly the impression I received during the party at Castle Blackpool -- particularly from the table-dancer. In short, I have neither coerced these females to be my minions, nor taken note of any desire to be "rescued" on their part. They seem to ally themselves to me quite eagerly -- including, intriguingly enough, the one who claims to be your sister! Imagine that. It would seem that my appeal is not so easily explained away, is it? Why, they actually prefer me to you! The villain to the hero! Dear me, there I go again, disturbing your notions of cosmic justice and universal right. I do so love to play "taunt the idealist," though!
Item three: Happy Birthday, Debbie. Incidentally, should you accept Greystone's offer to relate his hair-raisingly heroic encounter with that Magra demon to you, kindly ask him to tell you about the part he so often omits -- how, during that particular adventure, his idiot brother Justin managed to save his miserable hide from that very demon. Twice.
His Royal Highness
From: Erik Greystone
You never did learn to play nice, did you, even back at the Royal School?
Well, I have some news for you, Dirk. This is the "Wizards and Warriors" list, NOT the "Dirk Blackpool" list. I have just as much right to wish Lady Debbie a happy birthday as you do. So there.
As for these women, well, I know that there's some villainy afoot -- probably one of Vector's reprehensible spells -- and you can't convince me otherwise. As for your claims that a sister of mine is on this list? Utterly preposterous. As ridiculous as the idea that any self-respecting Winslow sister would join this list! What, are you going to cast aspersions upon the legitimacy of my parentage next? On Justin's? Claim that we have illegitimate siblings, maybe? Come on, Dirk, that's beneath even you!
Finally, Justin did NOT "save" me. He -- um -- just kind of helped me out a bit. And if I were you, Dirk, I'd think twice about calling anyone's brother an idiot! Speaking of Geoffrey, how is he? Managed to learn how to spell "Karteia" yet?
His Royal Highness
From: Anna M.C.
Why do I have a sense of deja vue here?
All right, Dirk, listen up. Erik is, as much as we all hate to admit it, quite right. This is a "Wizards and Warriors" list, and he can frequent it all he wants -- provided that he enjoys slumming with depraved undesirables such as ourselves. ; )
Erik, post all you want -- and thank you for your interest in and concern for us. However, kindly keep the fits of moral indignation to a minimum, O.K.? Furthermore, don't hold your breath while you wait for us to send out our collective S.O.S. Bear in mind that we are enchanted not by Vector's magic, but Blackpool's leather. ; ) Furthermore, we are, as you'll soon discover, quite capable of taking care of ourselves, even if we do have a soft spot for villains. And it would seem that our favorite villain might be developing a reciprocal soft spot for us! Getting fond of having a fan club, Dirk? Wonders never cease.
Happy birthday, Debbie!
Anna M. C.
From: Dirk Blackpool
If the little nitwit wants to post, let him. I shall rather enjoy the opportunity to witness him being subjected to public humiliation, ridicule, rejection and derision on a regular basis. The emotional equivalent of Celine's kick to the head, so to speak. Greystone always was a glutton for punishment.
I, however, would hasten to assure you that I bear a "soft spot," as you phrase it, for no one and nothing. With the possible exceptions of table dancing and peach wine.
And with that, I am content to let the matter rest. For now.
His Royal Highness,
Hey thanks everyone for the birthday greetings! I left early on Friday to go to the Lilith fair concert (wow that was cool!!) I loved all your messages & birthday greetings, thank you!!
And yes Prince Erik you made me blush! I am ever so sorry to have missed our date (dare I call it that?!) but you do know you need to plan ahead a little here, not every girl will drop everything like what's her face Bethany err Bethel--whatever her little drivel-ness is. So maybe a 4th of July date? see if there's still any old fireworks? I know its been a long time but I do want to see if you still have that effect on me as you used to. Oh and thanks for the gift, I'll make sure I wear them on our date! *wink wink* and I'm sure when you bought those you must have blushed yourself ! I think our list friends need to know you're not as goody two shoes as you may seem!
Dearest Dirk, you know Erik did send me a pair of leather pants (amongst other items of *clothing*) I think he didn't like how I have this tendency to stray towards your leatherness....And yes I will tell the list my monocle exchange bargain that we made this weekend, as sad as it is for me but yes this is my last week in the list *sob*. I made a deal and I do keep my word.
So my kindred pals I will finish up my newly revised monocle tale to explain my departure this week, amongst many sobs. To make a long story short and not keep you in suspense, I got that job that I interviewed for and I my last day here at corporate express is Thursday, and that means my last day with email (I have it at my friends house but I don't get over to his house that often to stay on the list). I am really bummed about this.
Thanks again Everyone!
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