Perrin and the Cross of Over
by Galen Blackpool and Anna M.C.
[Scene: The craggy, mist-shrouded mouth of a cave. A very baroque, jewel-encrusted golden cross rests atop a granite pedestal. The sound of voices can be heard approaching, then DIRK BLACKPOOL, THE WIZARD VECTOR, and LADY PERRIN (carrying her hawk, MALIN) step into view, arguing heatedly.]
PERRIN: "Look, Blackpool, we're wasting time. We don't need any ridiculous doomsday device to defeat Greystone. And how can you be so sure that this artifact even exists?"
BLACKPOOL [icily]: "I assure you, I have learned from a very reliable source that hidden here at the Cave of Caerbannog is a weapon that is the most heinous, despicable, and twisted affront to human sensibilities ever devised -- a Holy Grail of Evil, if you will. In other words, it is my destiny!"
PERRIN: "What reliable source? Vector? Isn't he the one who came up with the cannon and the zeecon? Exactly how successful were those bright ideas?"
VECTOR [defensively]: "That was hardly *my* fault. If he'd just killed Greystone right away, we'd have been fine, but no, he had to *savor* the death, he needed time to *gloat* . . ." [trails off as Blackpool fixes him with a murderous glare.]
BLACKPOOL: "No, it wasn't Vector. The source was [mumbles unintelligibly]."
BLACKPOOL: "I said, Galen's diary, dammit."
PERRIN: "You stole your own brother's diary? You really have no principles whatsoever, do you? What were you doing, gathering information to blackmail him? Ferreting out a secret conspiracy against you?"
VECTOR: "Actually, he enjoys reading about all of Galen's old girlfr-- [doubles over in pain as Blackpool yanks viciously on the monocle.]I mean, he was spying. Yes, spying very cleverly and ruthlessly, of course. No voyeurism at all involved."
BLACKPOOL: [Pointing] "There it is! [Rushes to the pedestal and sensuously fondles the cross.] Nothing can stop me now that I have . . .[pauses dramatically] the Cross of Over! Now . . hmm . . ." [another pause, a bit less dramatic. Downright awkward, in fact.]
PERRIN: [Crosses arms and rolls eyes] "Just lovely. You don't know how it works, do you?" [Walks away, shaking her head in disgust.]
VECTOR: "Well, from what I gather, you just twist the Plot Device like this --"
[There is a flash of lightning. PERRIN hits the dirt. When the smoke clears, VECTOR is now far more generously endowed in the facial hair and height department, not to mention the two enormous horns sticking out from his hat. Where BLACKPOOL stood, there is now only a very feral-looking bunny rabbit wearing a black leather spiky collar and crouching on top of the Cross of Over on the pedestal.]
PERRIN: "Vector? What are you playing at? Take those horns off, you look like a perfect cretin."
VECTOR: [In Scottish brogue thick as haggis] "The name's Tim! And I don't *wear* horns. [Notices the snarling bunny and screams] Run away! It's death awaiting us all with nasty pointy teeth!" [Attempts to flee, only to have PERRIN snag a horn with her free hand.]
PERRIN: "It's a *rabbit*, you sod."
VECTOR "That rabbit is the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on! That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!"
PERRIN [Sighing with exasperated world-weariness]: "Right. Malin, time for some rabbit stew."
[MALIN the hawk takes off from PERRIN's arm and dives, only to have the BLACKPOOL BUNNY lunge into the air and grab it by the throat. Both go down struggling in a cloud of dust. In another few seconds, the bedraggled and bleeding hawk bursts from the cloud of dust, screeching something that sounds suspiciously like "Run away!"]
PERRIN: "Get back here, you coward! Oh, hell --"
[The BLACKPOOL BUNNY lunges for PERRIN. She clutches its collar and just barely manages to keep its teeth inches away from her throat. VECTOR once again attempts to run but is laid out in his tracks when hit on the head by a falling coconut dropped by an African swallow, windspeed unknown. With a last burst of strength, PERRIN flings the BLACKPOOL BUNNY away from her and grabs the Cross of Over, twisting the Plot Device wildly. The scenery flickers, and COLTER appears from nowhere. As PERRIN desperately beats off the rabid BLACKPOOL BUNNY with the Cross of Over, COLTER casually lights a cigar and plucks a small orb from his pocket. It is the Holy Hand Grenade ofAntioch.]
COLTER [Considers a complete countdown, then decides against anything so loquacious]: "Three."
[COLTER hurls the Hand Grenade at the BLACKPOOL BUNNY and leisurely walks away. There is a huge explosion. When the smoke clears, the very soot-stained trio of PERRIN, BLACKPOOL, and VECTOR lie groaning in pain.]
BLACKPOOL [rubbing his head]: "This craving for carrots had better pass quickly. [Turns to PERRIN.] Are you all right?"
VECTOR [Sitting up with great effort]: "Well, yes, I think so, but I do have a nasty bump swelling up on my forehead right here."
[PERRIN and BLACKPOOL look at one another wordlessly, then PERRIN whistles for MALIN, who drops the coconut back on VECTOR's head. PERRIN and BLACKPOOL trudge off, leaving VECTOR unconscious. For a moment all is still, then two dark-clad, hooded figures sneak onto the scene and grab the Cross of Over. As they turn to sneak away again, the figures reveal themselves to be a grinning GALEN BLACKPOOL and ANNA WINSLOW.]
ANNA: "Didn't I tell you the diary idea would work?"
GALEN: "Happy Birthday to Val -- someone who is as fascinated by the power of conspiracies and 'CrossOvers' as I am!"
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