Kiri's Day

Kiri stared dejectedly out the window of her room in Monigold. In spite of the fact that Monigold was a wondrous place, Kiri felt extremely bored. She'd felt that life had fallen into a rut lately.

"Why couldn't something interesting happen today?" Kiri asked herself. "Today of all days."

Quicker than anyone could say 'careful what you wish for' - a strange, mystical force suddenly enveloped Kiri and whisked her out of her room. She took a moment to get her bearings, and immediately noticed she was standing in the center of a vast arena. A throng of spectators looked at her and cheered loudly as she stood on some bizarre square platform with ropes around it.

"What is this?" Kiri exclaimed.

"Silence! You were not told to speak yet," said a low sinister voice from behind her. Kiri did not take kindly to being ordered about so rudely, so she turned to give whoever was there a proper scolding. But when she turned, she found herself looking eye to belt buckle with a very imposing figure.

"Ummm...uh...umm...." Kiri found herself unable to speak. Who the heck was this tall, dark and gruesome stranger?

"Oh, she'll do fine. Just fine," said another voice. A much less intimidating and more annoying voice. Kiri tore her eyes away from the tall man before her and saw a short, incredibly fat man standing at her side.

"Prepare her, Paul," the black clad giant commanded. The fat man started to take Kiri's arm.

"Wait just a minute!" Kiri said furiously, intentionally focusing on the fat man. She felt she had to, because if she tried to confront the tall man, she knew she'd probably faint. "What's going on here?"

"Oh, you're a feisty one, aren't you?" the fat man laughed. "But here's the deal. I'm Paul Bearer, and that," he pointed towards the giant, "is the Undertaker. He's used his dark powers to summon forth a bride to help him rule his Ministry of Darkness. You're the one who showed up, so it's time to prepare the ceremony."

This news took Kiri by surprise. "Bride? Me? Ministry of Darkness?" She turned towards the Undertaker. "Couldn't we date first? Get to know each other?"

"Silence!" he said sternly.

Eep! Kiri thought. If I'm going to get out of this I'll need some help. But in her agitated state of mind, Kiri didn't realize that her thoughts activated her own magical powers. The next thing she knew, Geoffrey Blackpool was standing next to her in the ring.

"What the?" the Undertaker said.

"Oh my!" Paul Bearer exclaimed.

"Huh?" Geoffrey added.

As chaos ensued, Kiri quickly brought Geoff up to speed on the situation. Geoff turned towards the Undertaker.

"You've got some nerve!" he said. "No way is she marrying you!"

"And are you going to stop me?" The big man glared down at Geoff. Just when it seemed violence would ensue, the sound of screeching tires, a car crash, and then a raucous guitar riff emanated from the arena loudspeakers. The crowd went wild as a very odd looking man appeared at the top of the rampway that led down to the ring. Several chants of "FOLEY IS GOD!" started in the stands.

"Who's that?" Kiri asked as the man made his way to the ring. "And is that a sock on his hand?"

"That's Mankind," Paul Bearer said with distaste. "Along with his friend, Mister Socko."

While Kiri was still trying to digest that strange load of information, Geoffrey spoke.

"If his name is Mankind," the prince asked, "why are those people chanting 'Foley'?"

"He's also Mick Foley," Paul explained, "and Cactus Jack, and Dude Love--"

"ENOUGH!" Kiri interrupted. "This is too confusing already!"

Mankind entered the ring and confronted the Undertaker. "What we have here," he said, "is a classic struggle for the affections of a fair lady. And there's only one way to settle that."

"In the ring," the Undertaker said ominously.

"Fine," Geoffrey said as he faced the Undertaker. "Let's do it!"

The other men all looked at him strangely.

"We can't just start fighting now," the Undertaker said. "I haven't made my entrance yet."

"But you're already here," Geoff protested.

"That's not how we do things here," Mankind explained. "Besides, I need time to change into my referee outfit. I'm officiating this match."

"Referee?" Geoffrey asked. "You have referees for your duels?"

"This ain't no duel, boy," the Undertaker laughed. "This is sports entertainment!"

"Just give us a second," Mankind said. While we're getting ready, I'll send out a good ring announcer. Hell, I'll send out the best ring announcer."

With that, the three men made their exits. Kiri and Geoffrey stood in the ring until they saw two men seated at ringside motioning to them.

"I'll stay here and get ready to fight," Geoff said. "You go see what they want."

Kiri did so. Approaching the two men she saw that one was wearing a cowboy hat, while another had a crown. The crowned man spoke.

"Hello, I'm the King and this is my partner, good ole J.R."

"Ma'am," J.R. said politely. "We're going to do commentary on the match, it's probably best if you sit here with us while it's going on."

"Uh...okay," Kiri said. This whole experience was too strange for her to question. She decided to just go with the flow. As she took her seat, more music started blaring over the loudspeakers.

"Hey, why's that music playing?" the King exclaimed.

"I've just been informed, King," J.R. responded while tapping his microphone earpiece, "that we have a special ring announcer for this match."

"But he's not an announcer, he's a wrestler!" the King protested.

"But the fans love his way with a microphone," J.R. responded. "Here he comes now. The Road Dogg!"

As the crowd started cheering once again, Kiri looked and saw a man enter the ring. Armed with a hand held microphone, he proceeded to whip the crowd into a frenzy.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the World Wrestling Federation is proud to present a match featuring a man from another WOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDDD!" The announcer pointed at Geoffrey as he spoke. After a dramatic pause, the announcer once again addressed the audience. "And if you're not down with that, I've got TWO WORDS for you!"

The audience responded by shouting out two words in unison.

How rude! Kiri thought. There are children present! Still, she did admit to herself that this Road Dogg fellow certainly had charisma.

Next, Mankind reappeared. Now he was dressed in his referee uniform. Mister Socko was dressed for the occasion as well.

Finally, the lights dimmed and eerie music started to play. Down the ramp came the Undertaker and Paul Bearer.

Geoffey waited unafraid for his opponent to enter the ring, but when the Undertaker did so, the lights came back up and Geoffrey blinked, waiting for his eyes to adjust. That split second distraction was all the Undertaker need to launch a furious salvo of blows at the unprepared prince. Geoffrey was rocked and staggered by the onslaught.

"Yeah, go Undertaker!" the King laughed gleefully at Kiri's side.

"HEY!" Kiri looked at him angrily. "Oh, it's nothing personal," the King explained. "I'm the heel commentator, it's my job to root for the bad guys."

As the King continued to egg the Undertaker on, Kiri watched in horror as the big man pounded Geoffrey from one end of the ring to the other. Finally, the Undertaker picked up the hapless Blackpool and turned him upside down.

"Oh no!" J.R. exclaimed. "It's the tombstone piledriver!"

"The Undertaker drove Geoff headfirst into the canvas.

"It's all over," J.R. said as the Undertaker covered Geoff.

Mankind started to count the pinfall. 1 - 2 -

"He kicked out!" the King yelled.

"OH MY GOD!" J.R. added. "He just shrugged off a tombstone piledriver!"

In the ring, the Undertaker looked at Geoffrey in disbelief.

"Is that all you've got?" Geoffrey asked with an arrogant smile. "Marko hits harder than you do."

"B-but nobody gets up from the tombstone!" the Undertaker stammered.

"That thing where you dropped me on my head?" Geoffrey replied. "Ha! I used to land on my head every time Dirk would throw me out of the North tower." After saying that, Geoffrey took the offensive for the first time in the match. After a quick series of blows to the head, the mighty Undertaker toppled to the mat. Geoffrey covered him, and Mankind made the 3 count. The crowd exploded. Chants of 'Geoffrey!' filled the arena. Kiri ran to the prince.

"Think you can use your magic to take us home now?" he asked.

Kiri was about to do just that, when she saw the Undertaker start to get up, anger in his eyes. At the same time, Paul Bearer threw a length of chain into the ring, which the big man caught. Mankind started to chase Paul Bearer away from ringside, but that didn't stop the Undertaker from attacking Geoffrey from behind, using the chain to choke him. Kiri was besides herself with worry.

"Somebody do something!" she yelled as she pounded ineffectually on the Undertaker. Suddenly the arena lights went pitch black, and eerie music - eerier than the Undertaker's - started to play. From ringside, Kiri could hear J.R. shouting "OH MY GOD!" Then, columns of fire shot up at the top of the rampway, and a figure that made the Undertaker look small by comparison started to approach the ring.

"IT'S KANE! IT'S KANE!" J.R. shouted nearly hysterical at ringside.

The Undertaker released his chokehold on Geoffrey. Kiri helped the prince out of the ring as Kane entered and started to brawl with the Undertaker. The red giant quickly gained the upper hand, doubling the Undertaker over with a blow to the stomach, and then launching a monstrous kick that stood the Undertaker upright again.

"Who is that?" Geoffrey asked as he rubbed his throat.

"Oh, that's just Kane," Mankind said as he made his return to ringside and stood next to Kiri and Geoffrey. "He's the Undertaker's little brother."

"What?" Kiri said in surprise.

"Yeah," Mankind explained. "The Undertaker has been pretty mean to him in the past, taking advantage of him because he's not too bright. But Kane got tired of it and now he fights back."

"Hmmm...that's interesting," Geoffrey said in a serious tone.

"Well, you won your match," Mankind said, "so you're free to take your lady with you. Have a nice day."

No sooner had Mankind said his farewell, than Kiri used her magic to transport Geoffrey and herself back to Monigold. Geoffrey then asked Kiri to go out with him to dinner. She agreed and Geoffrey escorted her to the best restaurant in Monigold, where, unbeknownst to her, all her friends were waiting. When she entered everybody shouted...

Happy Birthday!